


bastards

by consultingrogers



Series: rainbow [3]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Depression, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Jim has a breakdown pretty much, Leonard is the Softest™️, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Post-Star Trek Beyond, Songfic, Tarsus IV mention, just the length of the relationship isn’t canon compliant, mentions of abuse, not entirely canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-03-02 03:46:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13309755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/consultingrogers/pseuds/consultingrogers
Summary: While the ship gets rebuilt at Yorktown, Jim gets deconstructed by both the media and his bosses. Leonard helps him pick up his pieces.





	bastards

**Author's Note:**

> im trash bc i haven’t uploaded anything in so long but school effectively ruined my life again and i needed christmas break to recuperate and i took my feelings out in this so srry  
> and by feelings i mean i cried a lot writing this which isn’t rly saying much bc i cry for everything but this provoked more tears than usual so rip

_I got too many people_

_I got left to prove wrong_

 

Shore leave was a time for relaxation and recollection. The crew of any ship needs a break after a long journey, but especially those on starships.

And the crew of the starship Enterprise needs a break the most. Weeks at a time of travel and missions and life threatening circumstances. Losses and gains. Discoveries and darkness. Shore leave was almost always cut short due to some unforeseen tragedy. A new enemy. An old enemy. Flesh eating bacteria from Sector 18. The crew has seen a lot.

Nobody expected shore leave to come like this, though. By force. Forced from their home of many years by Krall. It was a welcomed event regardless. People were able to see their families, have time to deal with the recent losses, _breathe_. Most of the crew stayed at Yorktown, eagerly anticipating the reconstruction of the Enterprise. Some returned to their home planets, some left the ‘Fleet. Without a ship, there’s no need for a crew. It should’ve been a good thing.

Jim Kirk disagreed.

Shore leave for Captain James T. Kirk was a hell hole of meetings, press conferences, staff negotiations, psychological evaluations, reports... The list goes on. He lost his crew right before his very eyes because of Starfleet and now they won’t let him rest. Even their apologies and condolences are tiring.

 

_All those motherfuckers_

_Been too mean for too long_

 

Six months into his “leave” is when he reaches his breaking point. He wakes up early, remnants of terror from his dream fading. He’s sweaty and still on edge but he’s careful not to rouse the sleeping doctor next to him as he gets up. Before he closes all the shades in the ridiculously posh suite he was given, he makes coffee. Even though the artificial sunlight hasn’t turned on yet, he certain he doesn’t want to see it today.

By the time Leonard’s alarm goes off, Jim has already drank three cups of coffee. It’s decaf, he doesn’t have nor want energy today. The coffee waiting for Leonard is the exact kind he loves the most.

“What’s the occasion?” Leonard asks with a sleepy smile. Jim thinks he looks so beautiful in the morning, just after his first sip of coffee, when he stumbles out of bed like he just had the best sleep in his life despite only getting a few hours. His bed head a halo in the dim kitchen lights.

Jim manages a smile in return but just shrugs. His eyes are watering, but he doesn’t want to talk. He just stands there and cradles the warm cup to his chest. With his eyes closed, listening to the sounds of Leonard move about the kitchen, he finds the strength to whisper one single sentence.

“I’m not going out there today.”

Leonard’s movement stops and forces Jim to open his eyes. Suddenly, the love of his life is in front of his face. He’s not angry or disappointed. He’s not disgusted or pitying. He’s doing something the stream of people outside have not been doing. He’s smiling. He’s nodding and slowly removing the cup from Jim’s hand, and finding it a place on the counter.

“Okay. Need anythin’?”

Jim can’t stop himself from crashing fully into Leonard’s chest, tears he was previously holding unleashing themselves in streams of violent sobs. His fingers grip the fabric on Leonard’s back, trying to find stability to combat his trembling body. Leonard holds him as secure as he can, one hand rubbing his back as the other is a warm presence on his neck. It’s awkward since Jim is taller but Leonard works with what he’s given. And what he’s given is the crumpling figure of a man who has nothing left to give the greedy world.

In the entire time they have been at Yorktown, Jim hasn’t been asked once what he needs. He’s been asked for statements, opinions, guidance, but never what he wants. Never what he needs. He gave up being selfish when he became a captain, accepted that was part of the role even if he disregarded it a few times, but it’s all he wanted to be right now.

He wanted to go back to being a nineteen year old in Riverside, Iowa. He wanted an empty house filled with pictures of people he’s never met lining the walls. He wanted Frank drinking too much to be his only problem. He wanted his biggest trauma to be hunger pains, screams, and the smell of burnt flesh. He wanted the feeling of freedom from his first motorcycle. He wanted his anger, his drinking, his abuse.

He wanted to go back to a time when he didn’t know what it felt like to die.

 

_And I'm so sick of crying, yeah  
_

 

Eventually, Jim’s hands released Leonard’s shirt. His trembling subsided to the occasional twitch. His sobs were now sniffles. Leonard slowly pulled Jim’s face from his chest and he felt mortified that Leonard’s favorite Ole Miss shirt was drenched in tears and snot.

“Don’t worry, darlin’. This can be washed. Let’s get ya to bed, okay? I’ll make ya somethin’ small to eat.”

Jim nodded, letting Leonard guide him back to the bedroom. He was putty at this point. Leonard could’ve taken him to be executed and he would have went along willingly.

 

 

After Jim finished some toast and a banana, Leonard kissed his forehead and coaxed him into laying on his side. He sat on the edge of the bed by Jim’s knees, rubbing his hip as if he was a small, sick child. In a way, he was.

“Okay, darlin’, ya did real good but I have to step out for a minute. Are ya gonna be okay?”

Jim sighed and closed his eyes, nodding.

“It’ll be quick. Can’t just go missin’ for a day without some sort of explanation. It’s my professional opinion that you rest and I’m prescribin’ kisses and cuddles.”

That pulled a chuckle from Jim, pout forming a smile.

“There ya are. Here’s yer first dose of kisses and I’ll be back to start the cuddlin’.”

Jim welcomed the soft pecks Leonard peppered all over his face. He held Leonard’s hand to his cheek as they shared a few loving kisses, cherishing the stubble on Leonard’s face before he was forced to shave, and kept his hold until Leonard had to get up and change.

  
When Len emerged from the bathroom forty-five minutes later, dressed in his formal Medical whites and fresh faced, Jim already felt better.

 

_Darlin’, what’s it for?_

 

 

Jim didn’t know when he fell asleep. One minute, he was happily gazing at the picture of him and Leonard at Jim’s surprise birthday party, next there was an arm around his waist and soft lips on his cheek.

“Hey there, sleepin’ beauty.”

Jim turned around to bury himself in Leonard’s chest, not minding the crisp uniform fabric in favor of the warmth.

“I tried to come back to ya sooner but they’re a mean bunch’a bastards, ain’t they? Good thing I’m meaner.”

Jim shook his head, unable to resist smiling. Leonard was the softest man Jim had ever met but he was grateful it somehow remained a secret. He didn’t want to share this side with anybody.

“Let’s just say, the press and the brass won’t be talkin’ about or to ya for a coupl’a days.”

Jim looked up at him with raised eyebrows.

“It’s nothin’ bad. Just took a tip from the Jim Kirk’s Guide to Reckless Endangerment, is all. Anyways, I’m here to give ya the next dose of yer medication and see if yer up to showerin’.”

If he ever had any doubts about their relationship, they were gone now. Jim had been expecting Leonard to mention to some higher ups that he was sick or had a family emergency. That was not even remotely something Jim would do. With a smile, he accepted more kisses but tried to convey his gratitude when he kissed Leonard back.

“Message received. Gimme a sec to fulfill my own prescription of cuddles then we’ll shower. Sound good, darlin’?”

Jim nodded.

 

_I could fight forever, oh_

 

 

 

Jim learned that he was asleep for four hours. His mind and body felt better, but his soul was still in the grieving process. No amount of kisses or cuddles or rest would ever get rid of that pain.

He played with a stray fabric on Leonard’s uniform while Leonard quietly held him, kissing the top of his head every so often. It ground him. He realized he could deal with _all_ the trauma in his life because Leonard would be right there to help him. He wouldn’t mind spending the rest of his life showing his appreciation.

“C’mon, sugar. Let’s get ya nice and clean.”

Leonard detangled them and helped Jim sit up. Jim unzipped his shirt and pants then watched as he stripped down to his boxers. Leonard pressed a couple more kisses to Jim’s head and he huffed a laugh.

“Sorry. Can’t help myself.”

Jim used both of Leonard’s hands to help himself up, leaning on him while they went to the bathroom. He managed to stand up on his own to relieve himself but Len helped him undress regardless. Once the water was warm enough, Leonard got in first before helping Jim. They just stood there for a moment, resting their foreheads together, letting the water wash away the stress of the day.

After some chaste kisses, Leonard tapped his finger under Jim’s chin.

“Tilt yer head back, sweetheart.”

Jim kept his eyes closed and did as he was told. Leonard got all his hair wet before massaging shampoo through his hair and rinsing, then repeating with conditioner. Jim hummed in content, more so when Leonard pressed tiny kisses everywhere he mouth could easily reach.

“Doin’ good?”

Jim nodded enthusiastically. Anything that involved fingers in his hair was his weakness. Leonard chuckled as he ran his fingers through Jim’s hair one last time. He wet a washcloth and lathered it up with Jim’s special organic soap before washing him head to toe, getting in all the cracks and crevices. By the time Leonard got up to Jim’s chest, there were tears streaming from his eyes.

“What’s wrong? Do I need to stop?”

Jim shook his head and wrapped his arms around Leonard’s neck, holding him like his life depended on it.

“Thank you.”

Leonard was grinning at him when he pulled back, wiping the tears from his face.

“Nothin’ to thank me for, darlin’. I’m happy to help in anyway ya need.”

Jim nodded and stepped under the water to rinse his body off, then proceeded to return the favor to Leonard.

 

 _But life’s too short_  

 

Neither of them bothered with putting anything besides underwear on. Leonard got settled first before pulling Jim down, situating his head on his chest. There was a comfortable silence as Leonard played with Jim’s hair that he insisted on blowdrying and Jim twirled his unruly chest hair with his fingers.

“I had a bad dream last night.” Jim’s voice was still nothing more than a whisper but he felt okay enough to talk now. He needed to.

“I dreamt that... that I was trapped in an alley with Kodos and his men. I distracted them from getting the rest of the children but they cornered me and...”

Jim tensed but the hand in his hair didn’t cease and Leonard began to rub his arm in addition. He shook his head, signaling that’s as far as he’d explain.

“That’s how they make me feel here. Like I’m being cornered. They’re vultures just waiting to pick me dry until there’s nothing left but my bones. But it’s okay because you’re my Bones. If you’re all I have left, then that’s all I need.”

Jim looked him in the eyes when he said the last sentence and Leonard grinned, bringing the hand in his hair down to caress his cheek.

“If you’re all I have left, then that’s all I need too, Jim.”

 

_Don’t let the bastards get ya down, oh no_

_Dont let the assholes wear ya out_

 

“Gourmet coffee for my gourmet boyfriend.”

Jim set two mugs on the nightstand before straddling a still asleep Leonard’s hips, kissing his face all over until he was swatted away. He didn’t move his position, forcing Leonard to open his eyes.

“A little birdy informed me that all business with Enterprise officials has been cancelled until further notice unless it’s critical.”

Leonard’s eyes were barely able to register Jim’s devious grin before he continued talking.

“So that prompted me to read through all my notifications, which there was a lot of. Way more than there usually is. It led me to a crystal clear video of one Leonard Horatio McCoy eloquently telling Starfleet to fuck off.”

“I did not.”

“Au contraire, mon chéri. Let’s not get into semantics. Chewing out the people that employ you is very brave and, indeed, directly from the Jim Kirk’s Guide to Reckless Endangerment. As per usual, it worked in our favor.”

Jim pulled Leonard into a sitting position and let him rub the sleep from his eyes while he grabbed his cup of coffee. He blew on it once before pressing it the Leonard’s lips.

“Sip. Make it a good one because I’ve got more to say.”

Leonard fixed Jim with a suspicious look but drank nonetheless. Jim waited until he swallowed completely then put the cup back on the nightstand. He hung his arms around Leonard’s neck and bit his lip, nerves catching up to him.

“Well spit it out.”

“Okay. We’ve been together for six years now.”

“Yes.”

“I owe you my life. Quite literally. You not only take care of me in every way possible but you resurrected me.”

“That wasn’t just—“

Jim put his finger to Leonard’s lips.

“Just let me admire how beautifully smart you are for once. Anyways, I love you with everything I have. There have been plenty of times where no one would be expected to stay and yet, here you are, making my life better just by breathing.”

 

_But they won’t break my spirit_

_I won’t let ‘em win_

 

Jim closed his eyes and shook his head to try to rid himself of his tears but he couldn’t so he let them come out. Leonard responded by wiping them from his cheeks, flashing an encouraging smile. Jim’s always had a difficult time expressing his feelings, he understood that by now.

“What I’m trying to say is that I want to spend the rest of my life with you unconditionally. I want to be with you in every possible way. I don’t want to be just Jim Kirk anymore because I haven’t been just Jim Kirk in six years. Longer than that really. It’s been Jim Kirk and Leonard McCoy ever since we shook hands on the shuttle in Riverside. Jim Kirk and Leonard McCoy is such a handful to say, you know? We could shorten it to Jim and Leonard Kirk-McCoy or just Jim and Leonard McCoy, I’m not opposed to changing my nam—“

“Wait. Is this a proposal? Did ya wake me up nicely with coffee so ya can tell me ya wanna marry me?”

“Yes and I have a few more reasons prepared if you would stop interup—“

“Jim. It’s unnecessary.”

Leonard put his hands on Jim’s cheeks and grinned, pulling him in for a kiss. It was a mess of smiles and laughs but Leonard couldn’t contain his happiness.

“I’ve wanted to marry ya for years now, darlin’. I could never find the right time to ask.”

“Well we have as much time as we could possibly want. The crew is here. We can video your mom and my mom in. I know your mom doesn’t like to fly.”

“Anythin’ ya want sounds good to me, Jim. I have somethin’ for ya.” Leonard reached into the nightstand drawer and pulled out his first aid kit, much to Jim’s confusion. It wasn’t until he dug around and pulled a ring out did it make sense to Jim.

“Had to put it somewhere ya wouldn’t snoop.”

Leonard grabbed Jim’s left hand and slid the ring on his finger, grinning. Tears of his own were coming out now. The ring was a simple silver band with gold and silver gems decorating half of it.

“I got it when we were at Andevian II. I was gonna ask ya there and then but we got that emergency alert and...”

“Bones, that was two years ago.” Jim stared at the ring on his shaky finger in disbelief. “I didn’t want to get you a ring because I couldn’t pick one out that would be perfect for you.”

  
“S’all right, darlin’. We can go look after I finish my coffee.”

Leonard gave Jim one last kiss before patting his leg so he could move. He stood up and stretched, rejoicing in the popping of his joints, then drank his coffee on the way to the kitchen. Jim followed with his own cup, though he didn’t drink from it.

 

 

“Ya hungry?”

“Let’s get matching tattoos.”

“ _Jim_.”

 

 

_  
I'll just keep on livin’, keep on livin’, oh_

_The way I wanna live_

**Author's Note:**

> for whatever dumb ass reason, it won’t let me link a picture of the ring so if you want to know what it looks like, dm me on tumblr @ jimkirkistrans 
> 
>  
> 
> i have a lot of things in my drafts that just need editing so this is just the start and im prepared to actually stay posting stuff again yay  
> also this is largely unedited as in i looked over it and changed anything i saw wrong but i am a mere mortal who makes mistakes occasionally so srry


End file.
